


Cold comes and goes, love remains

by avaloncat555



Category: Fairy Tales & Related Fandoms, Original Work, Sneedronningen | The Snow Queen - Hans Christian Andersen, Snow Queen - All Media Types
Genre: Anthropomorphic, Apocalypse, Asexual Character, Changelings, Elemental Magic, F/F, Fae & Fairies, Fairy Tale Retellings, Fantasy, Friendship, Lesbian Character, Magic, Male-Female Friendship, Morality, Nature Magic, Personification, Platonic Relationships, Post-Canon, Religious Content, Team as Family, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2018-12-08 11:22:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11645550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avaloncat555/pseuds/avaloncat555
Summary: Magic always leaves trace. Magic of immortal things from before time doubly so. Gerda cannot forget and Kai can’t help but remember.Together, they make it work.





	1. Harsh (nonetheless) spring

**Author's Note:**

> Story set after Snow Queen, detailing Gerda and Kai adjusting to their world. This is first chapter, harsh (nonetheless) spring.  
> Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed it and please review.

Magic always leaves trace. Magic of immortal things from before time doubly so. Gerda cannot forget and Kai can’t help but remember.

Together, they make it work.

* * *

They never tell you what happens after. After the tale. After the villain is defeated and you are back home. After the friend is saved.

* * *

Sometimes, Gerda wonders if that is her mistake. Should she have walked in while Snow Queen sat on her throne, engaged her in duel, killed her? Her stomach turns at thought of killing a living being, of taking another’s life.

But Snow Queen isn’t human. Gerda isn’t even sure she can be counted as alive. And what use is there for world of somebody that steals children and buries people under ice and snow?

‘’ No,’’ says Kai. ‘’ You did everything great. Without you, I’d never be free. And you wouldn’t kill her. You shouldn’t stain your hands with blood.’’

He doesn’t lie, as Snow Queen didn’t ( couldn’t), but like her leaves piece of truth hidden. He doesn’t say that otherwise Gerda would have fallen, one more victim of frostbite. He doesn’t say that you can’t kill blizzard, can’t harm winter, can’t make cold of vast space bleed. You can only prepare shelters, wrap yourself in fur and wool, and wait for it to pass.

He doesn’t say that army of angels was needed to fight against horde of snowflakes, that even Michael, he who leads God’s armies, would have failed against Queen there, in heart of her power.

He doesn’t say that Queen deserves no punishment, that she did nothing wrong. Winter gale doesn’t choose which way it blows, doesn’t seek to end lives. How can something without conscience, without morality, be called evil?

* * *

At first, everything is same as before. They are at home, living with grandmothers, playing on roofs and planting roses. They forget for a while.

It is small things at first. Seeing herself in windows and mirrors, all tall and grown up. Meeting old friends and not recognizing them. Reminders of years missed that slip from grandmother’s mouth. Finding job.

Whispers of roses. Chatter of birds. Kai’s hair, long and white as freshly fallen snow. His dark skin, once warm and rich as fertile earth, now pale as frozen ground of taiga.

Gerda closes her eyes and pretends not to hear.

* * *

‘’ It is so hot.’’ Gerda’s granny says.

‘’ I don’t remember summer this dry and warm.’’ Answers Kai’s.

‘’  I don’t think  I could stand a day more of this heat.’’ Lies Kai. It is easier to pretend then admit that neither heat or cold bother him anymore ( Gerda restored his memory and took him home, but Queen kissed him, and he isn’t sure if she made him immune or fire and ice don’t dare harm him, but since that day he could go nude in blizzard and wrap himself in furs and walk through desert and not feel anything).

‘’ Rain will soon fall.’’ It comes out of her mouth without thinking. They turn, blink, and grandmothers ask  ( how do you know, why are you sure, did somebody tell you).

Words stop in her mouth. How does she explain, sparrows gossiping about faraway storm, soon to come. How does she explain about roses knowing, feeling it’s arrival, starving for water that shall descend from sky.

‘’ I just know.’’  It is enough for now.

* * *

She sets up flower shop.  Of course she does. What else could she have done?

Many things. She could have opened bakery, or served in inn, or became a teacher. She could have become a nurse, or started selling clothes she made, or cared for children of not so rich families. And she is princess’s friend. She could have had anything. She really shouldn’t treat it as such mundane thing, even if it maybe is. Because even princesses have friends but who would have thought that she, Gerda, would be one to befriend the princess. She has spent years on journey, planning, hoping, fighting to survive. Childhood friends are nothing but blur in her mind. Princess is one of few people in world she can call friend anymore.

Princess in name only, she should add, for her friend has reigned over their land since she was fifteen, first aided by regent and advisers then alone, guided by her own wisdom. Year still needs to pass for her to ascend to mantle of monarch formally, which is stupid tradition in Gerda’s opinion, but Princess is content with waiting- rules are to be followed, and Gerda doesn’t begrudge her that, as long as none suffer under them.

But thing is, she could have had any job she wanted. Anything that didn’t involve flowers and plants and hearing voices nobody else does, understanding their songs and stories. She didn’t have to do that.

But she likes gardening. She has always loved it, since she can remember planting and tending seeds, nurturing and guiding young green things to their first bloom, caring for them through year until cruel frost steals their life, as winter always does.

And she will be damned if she lets magic or bad memories take that away from her

* * *

She is successful.  Beyond that even. She nourishes her plants, like mother caring for children, and they drive. Years of experience and hard work and knowledge she gained make sure none can match her.

Her flowers don’t speak, which surprises and relaxes her ( _but doesn’t disappoint, of course not_ ). Flowers of old woman who enchanted her could speak like men, though they knew only to tell one story and to argue. Her roses, red and white, could muster words, not sentences but still expressions that she could understand.

Flowers she grows just murmur, too low for her to understand, and sing their wordless tunes. Still, she feels, and can imagine what story they would tell, if nourished by old woman’s magic.

 Lily who drowns with despair, rolling off it like dew would be about girl who lost too much and walked into lake on her own. 

Wildflowers that chime like jingle bells would be about three girls running under summer sun in green meadow. 

Carnation with anger and pride as bright as fire would be about woman who knows what she desires, and dance laughing at those who try to stop her, for sooner will world burn than she will bow.

That is what attracts her customers, she muses. Somehow, she coaxes out those stories from flowers into hearts, and people know that her boquets mean more than any else. They come to her with wishes, flowers for first date, flowers for marriage, flowers for separation, for funeral, for spite, for apology. She cares not for so called flower language or even colors clashing in some cases-she gives grieving mother sunflower that scream with rage and loss, violets that soothe and give strength to move on, pink roses that fondly sing of loved ones long gone by. 

Her competition laughs at first, but then they smell her work, or walk in room containing her pots, and their hearts are overcome with emotion, and they know she is right.

Gerda laughs. Perhaps it isn’t so bad. People are happy and she brings many coin home.

* * *

Grandma is waiting for her home, with magnificent red dress. It is woolen, and bright, and beautifully embroidered. Grandma cannot stop talking about it.

‘‘-and then I said, of course I can’t take it Martha, it is too good for us, I cannot believe ho well you sew, and that color is so vibrant,  but she said nonsense after all times she spent in my house she is like my own daughter, and she needs some reward for all her hard work, and she and Kai were always such good friends with Brigitta, she was one who embroidered those stars, said she can’t wait to reconnect, and I said oh really, thank you so much Martha, these new shops are run by idiots who refuse to make more than five dresses for girls that aren’t thin like sprigs, but don’t think you won’t be getting three new shawls and-’‘ Grandma stops, looking at Gerda’s lost, stricken face.

‘‘Gerda, sweetie, what happened? Are you sick? Was there problem at work? Do you-’‘

‘‘Grandma,’‘ Gerda says, voice shaking ‘’ those people-Martha, Brigitte, I…I don’t remember who they are.’‘ 

‘‘Oh.’‘ Grandma says, patting Gerda’s hair as woman collapses in her arms, sobbing.

* * *

She always goes to church now. She did before too, but she now refuses to miss a single gathering. When she comes down with flu, grandmothers have to restrain her from getting up.

They don’t understand. She saw God answer her prayer, saw her breath form in army of angels, bright guardians with wings of flame and bodies of jewels and too many eyes of thunder, saw them fight demonic forces that kept her from Kai.

God has shown her mercy. Answered her prayer out of so many. Absolute loyalty is least she owes Him. He created her, Kai, her world and everything she holds dear. He sent His son to die for their sins, and He gave Heaven to virtuous. 

And she needs to pay her sins. She hears voices of beasts, can command them, birds and bugs and cat and dogs, and she knows that is magic, and she saw witches and demons, was bewitched herself and escaped, saved her enthralled friend with His aid.

Magic is work of devil, and devil tempts and tricks, clothed in bright golden light, and his gifts lie and beguil, masked as blessing, and like gambling and wine magic is addictive and ruins people and…

She doesn’t want to be witch. She doesn’t want to be evil. She doesn’t want to harm people. To go to Hell. To become wicked and cruel like Snow Queen.  To betray Him.

She cries and prays.

* * *

‘‘I don’t think she was a demon. Or witch. Or anything like that.’‘ Kai admits once. It is beginning of autumn, but night cold and yet Kai isn’t.

(It is not quite the truth, but he doesn’t want Gerda to worry, not after everything she has done for him, not after what bastard he had been. Better to say, he is always cold, but it doesn’t grieve him. He’s got the winter in his bones, and he will live with that for rest of his days, and honestly, he likes it).

Gerda looks at him, shocked and alarmed and bundled in jackets, and she doesn’t know what to say because Kai never confided in her what his time at palace was like but now he says this and she fears he is tempted again and she wants them all to heal, and you must talk if you want to achieve that, but she wants to forget and leave everything behind.

But Kai can’t. He wants to heal too, but he doesn’t know where to start, and sometimes he thinks healing requires thinking and accepting and letting what happened become part of their lives forever, and sometimes he isn’t sure if he wants to forget, but he knows that he can’t, for he went with Snow Queen and she kissed him and he lived in her realm growing without need to eat or sleep or drink and now there is winter in his bones, cold in his blood and frost under his skin, and he knows piece of her rests within him and  he knows that wherever he goes he will carry snow within himself and he can’t pretend so long.

‘‘Kai…’‘ Gerda begins ‘‘She…. did something happen, Did you… Did she return?’‘‘

‘‘I saw nothing of her this day, or yesterday, or any other day since you saved me.’‘ He says gently. He doesn’t say that he didn’t need to see her-wherever there is cold she has reach, even at height of summer, and her power flows through universe itself, and she rests within him, bound together by winter as mother and son are by blood, or bond even stronger than that.

‘‘I just… I was thinking about what you said. I think angels came because of you, not her. Your prayer and your heart, that is your strength, like Bae said. he gave it to you, because you got it.’‘ Kai smiles, slow and sweet, and Gerda doesn’t look at his teeth, white and shining like fresh snow on morning sun ‘‘ I don’t make sense do I? I think… He helped you because you helped yourself first.’

But that doesn’t really have much to do with her, you know? I don’t think she serves God, but I don’t think she is against him. She is out of it all, like wind or snow. I asked her once, you know, how can you tell between good and evil.’’

‘‘And what did she say?’‘ Gerda doesn’t know what to expect. Demon would likely give some answer that seemed innocent but advised human to be selfish.

‘‘She looked at me, puzzled-I think that was only time I saw her confused, maybe first time she was ever confused- and asked me what those words mean. I don’t remember what I said, but she didn’t understand. 

And once she talked to me about angels and demons, said that they are God’s servants, extensions of his will. But demons wanted to control world, to enslave other creatures and take what was not theirs  and rebelled against him. She said that like all people and beings that are his they have soul. And…’‘

‘‘I know that Kai. Did she tell anything more.’‘ She didn’t want to believe that, but demon wouldn’t have admitted they were evil. But neither were humans demons and there were many evil ones.

‘‘She told me once that she doesn’t have one. Soul that is. And she doesn’t lie Gerda Believe me, I know she can’t, just as I know to calculate or to breathe. She isn’t  human, but she isn’t demon either.’‘

‘‘But what could she be otherwise?’‘ Kai looks through window into deep blackness between stars, there where cold is strongest. he thinks he can imagine cold, sharp yet soft hand stroking his back, fondling his hair, can imagine laugh and wail in hush of wind.

‘‘She is… she is old, and cold and alone, and that is all.’‘

* * *

They say that women who talk with animals are witches, that beasts are demons in disguise and their familiars, and perhaps Gerda should stop feeding birds but every animal she encounters and unlike some cynics she isn’t quite so ready to believe that world is full of demons.

Kai’s words were strange, but she trusts him like brother, and chooses to believe. Because at end of day, faith is what she must have, and she is sure God would have given her sign otherwise.

Besides, most beasts are quite dumb, even pretty white doves she fattens, thinking only of food and mates. Not like Bae, or Mr. and Mrs. Raven.

And such thinking is insulting to them, she considers. If normal animals are demons because she can understand them, then what of ones that speak and think like humans? What of princess, whose dreams dance? Or of two wise women who helped her, kind leaders of their villages? Would somebody name her friends, who helped her so much demons or witches for that?

Perhaps it is not magic at all, but simply gift to understand others-she understood different tongues as if they were her own, now that she thinks of it. Perhaps she just listens better than most people. And she doubts that demons would give her such gift, or that angels would fight for sake of wicked creature (they were angels, she knows, true and through, she could feel their holiness, their goodness in depths of her soul, and it was greatest thing she ever felt, no demon could fake that).

So with smile, she resumes feeding her white doves.

* * *

There are many distasteful men in world, Gerda is aware. Men with no manners nor respect, who, utterly entitled, treat women and children as things. She would have to be raised under the rock, or in that land of Greek women warriors Kai told her about, not to know about them. Single reason why she is surprised when older customer gropes her is that shop is full of people.

He is surprised when she slaps him, so she can forgive herself for that. He shouts, more from surprise than pain-she didn’t smack him as hard as she could or should, have had- for he is too much used for this. Too many girls are afraid, knowing that few will help them, and those men take silence for yes.

‘‘Dear God, what has gotten in you, lass?’‘

‘‘What has gotten in me? How dare you?’‘ Grandma always said that Gerda had more bravery than self-preservation, but Gerda reckons if she could go over half world as child then she can shout at this man when she is a woman .’‘ You, sir, have honor of being most rude and shameful customer I had displeasure of serving. How dare you act so toward young woman, nay any woman at all! I hope you haven’t been bothering any other girl here other wise..’‘ 

He is angry, and red, and raises his hand. Several customers ran to Gerda’s side, fastest being sixty year old widow with steely hair buying flowers for cheap funeral and fourteen year old boy taking single flower for each of his eight siblings. man’s hand falls down.

But window is thrown open, and golden October sunlight pours inside as half dozen white doves descend, pecking at his bald head. Man lets her go as he tries to fend them off. Gerda stares in awe, then rises cross around her  neck and whispers her thanks.

‘‘Miss Gerda, are you alright?’‘ The boy asks, having run to her side. Widow watches with stern, steely gaze, her angry eyes like embers as she shouts to two strong men standing near her to take ‘‘gentleman’‘ outside, using names and words that would make sailors red as strawberries. Two men comply, their necks as flushed as Gerda at widow’s words.

‘‘I am well, thank you.’‘ She says to everybody inside.’‘ Promise me you will never be like that man when you grow up.’‘ She whispers to him, and he nods, face determined and hard. She doesn’t doubt it. His mother is honest woman of strong hand, if little easy to set off, and his father is nice man who is always kind to all even if they don’t have much. And boy himself is, as far as she knows from seeing him around neighbor, just as kind and honest.

‘‘ I will keep flowers, mister, but you can have your money back once you learn to behave properly.’‘ She says and takes three coins off counter, giving them to boy and widow as shop laughs.

‘‘Thank you.’‘ She whispers to doves. they stare at her with their red eyes before cooing back.

‘‘Feed us. Nice girl. All people love you. Man bad, man harm. Cannot allow that.’‘ Gerda laughs and thanks again. Amount of birdseed increases, and so does amount of feathery flyers keeping watch over her.

She doesn’t have such incidents ever regain.

* * *

In November, they attend her friend’s coronation. She gets invitation, personally signed by future Queen herself. She is allowed to bring guests. Nobody from house says anything, but news spread and soon Gerda is given as much as attention as mayor himself. Still nobody is surprised when she brings  grandmothers and Kai.

They are given great chambers, and coronation is magnificent, her wise friend ascending to her rightful throne, dressed in royal regalia. They dance (Gerda is astonished to see grandmas pick up fast, complicated dance with each other) and laugh and eat and everything is beautiful. And then Kai and prince meet.

There is no fight, no problem at all. Not even teasing or bantering. But once they meet Gerda realizes how much things have changed.

She once confused him for Kai. It was easy to mistake them in dark for each other while prince was sleeping-but once his face was revealed she saw her mistake immediately.  Head was right size, neck long enough and forehead just as wide, with thin eyebrow and right jaw and pointy chin. But his eyes were bigger than Kai’s, his ears shorter and rounder, nose not as prominent and lips much plumper, teeth not as small and cheekbones not as sharp.

Still, they could have been cousins. Or even brothers. Both knew nothing of their parents, and were right age to maybe be fraternal twins- prince grew up in orphanage and Kai was found abandoned  on street by his grandmother (in the snow, but this she never told anybody). Only problem was that they grew up in towns on opposite sides of country. Still she joked about confusing them again once they met each other.

And they did, and Gerda could no longer deny how much Kai changed. Both were tall and strong and slim, but Kai seemed tall and robust and thin like frozen mountain, or frost covered pine tree. 

Their skin was dark as earth, but Kai’s was harsh and frigid like dead, frozen taiga where nothing could grow. Prince’s hair was just as long and fair as her friend’s once was, but now it was pale and white like pure snow and bleached bones.  

Their teeth were healthy and clean, but Kai’s were blinding white and seemed pointy at times.  Prince’s hands were warm, while Kai’s felt like sticking hand in mountain river. Prince’s eyes were sparkling, so were Kai’s, but whereas eyes of prince shone with joy and mischief, Kai’s reflected still light of aurora.

And only there, in room full of people, hundreds of them, instead of apartment filled with four, did she notice how  _off_ Kai felt.  How hairs on her neck rose, as something deep in her bones remembered and said: _old, inhuman,wrong,eldritch,other, run,beware, don’t trust,hide, too powerful._

But she ignored it. Kai was her friend, and some stupid voice in her head didn’t know him better than she.

* * *

Only when they went to coronation, did he truly notice how small and weak and not right everything looks.

He sees castle, gold and marble and brilliant, and thinks of palace rising from ground unto sky, made of snow that will never melt and with doors of wind that will never stop. And he knows how fast and how easily this so called castle will crumble.

He walks halls, small finite halls in which people are pushing and hitting each other and having problem keeping distance and thinks of endless labyrinths that could contain whole world and still not lose one percent of space yet were always empty.

Decorations are wrought, and ugly, imperfect things not wrought by will. They cannot change shape or rise to defend castle and he knows that if he compared candles and statues he would find that they aren’t perfectly same. He sees candles and thinks of pale northern lights adorning walls and roof, part of castle, contained in floor and pillars and freely travelling through air.

He sees throne, ugly, red and gold thing, and thinks of pale mirror, frozen bottomless lake of reason containing world and answers to all questions and then some, watches tables and portraits and thinks of ice pieces that made such perfect puzzles.

And he sees Gerda’s friend the queen, and his very mind screams and recoils upon thinking of calling her so. He almost cries when he says ‘’glory to queen’’, his bones breaking. 

For in place of this mortal creature, being of flesh and blood and bone, being that can be killed and thorn apart and shattered and rebelled against by any he sees a goddess, gigantic and beyond measure and of power deep beyond comprehension, woman with body of glaciers and restless soulless eyes of stars and hair of northern light and clothes of snow and voice of sharp winter wind, being that stands against vulcanoes and turns magma to stone, who can take away life with touch and turn land harsh and barren, woman older than very time, who rules vast expanses of empty space and brought winter in existence and who will one day bury entire universe in cold and ice when time is right for her to do so (she doesn’t hate other elements and seasons, no matter what anybody says. World has time and place for all, and when it is time for fire and heat to devour all she will accept and burn and wait for flames to die out just as they will wait for her hold to shatter, and so on and on).

He doesn’t hate Gerda’s friend-could never hate her, nor her husband, she is so wise and smart and ambitious and cunning and caring and will make great leader, but part of his very soul shivers and shrivels and dies whenever he thinks of her as a  _queen_ \- none of them humans realize, he understands, what true monarch says.

‘‘Isn’t she true queen?’‘ Gerda asks, smile as bright as Sun, and for her sake he will lie even as his tongue blackens and rots.

‘‘Yes, she is.’‘ He says and quickly coughs up blood that spills from his mouth.

* * *

Fate snatched them, and changed what they were in something else, but just because they are something else now doesn’t they will stop being friends.

They will endure, that is what they do.


	2. Bright summer breaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Experts from their life together and some fun times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. We are halfway through story, in next chapter we will mostly deal with Gerda and robber girl (any idea for name?) and townspeople and some traumas and after that....well wait and see.  
> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed, please review!

When she came back, Gerda tried to forget her journey, because it reminded her of things she lost. Of years, almost decade spent traveling over world, with no friend but animals to guide her, of long months when she had nothing but her wits and few coins to get her by.

Memories of her childhood faded, and one by one she forgot all friends she had, until only one left was Kai, his name burning bright in very depths of her soul, her friend and brother by heart, with whom she was raised together, who changed one year into a unsufferable, horrible brat while everybody (mostly men) praised him for maturity, who stamped flowers and tore picture books and  mocked grandmothers and refused to be friend with girl like her and who got in tasteless pranks with rougher, older boys.

But she remembered cheerful, curious, smart, easily excited and little shy boy from before, boy who loved her as sister, and she  hoped that she could beat sense in him, that she could make him not change, but return to previous Kai. And that hope held her through magic and dangers and storms.

Somebody would have  said such hope was useless. That she should have given up.  That it was wise, logical, rational, sane, only correct course of action.

Gerda would smirk and point at two of them as living proof of  opposite.

* * *

 

Shard in eye, shard in heart. That was what it took to twist Kai, to steal him away, to hate everything but logic and numbers and snow. Magic, to steal him away and twist him so he could be a toy to somebody cruel and cold as The Queen. But Gerda’s faith and tears and  prayers won against that brutal, wicked magic.

That made her afraid of her own power, though it was only power of understanding and speaking, not of ruining and harming. What if she stole somebody away like that?

* * *

 

Gerda is his best friend, his sister, his soulmate-not some grand lady from romances that will make him burn with passion (he isn’t sure whether he can at all), but somebody on whom he can count to stand by him no matter what, friend who will always find him and set him at right path whether he likes it or not.

Before that he was always withdrawn child, the adopted grandson of  old spinner from up in street. When  he was younger, he asked grandmother about his parents, and she  quickly came up with some story he doesn’t remember, but soon he found out truth. Whispers of neighbors never stop, and children are much better listeners  than most adults suppose.

No parents, raised by kooky old lady, weird boy who shrank from contact unless he was asking ridiculous question like why sky was blue or moon changed phases, who loved to go to school and read storybooks and plant flowers (and snow, he loved winter, but not making snowmen or riding at sledges, and he wonders if she had always been calling out to him, if he learned to see her only after he learnt who she was). Gerda was his only friend, kind Gerda whom everybody loved.

And then he changed and became arrogant, entitled fool who thought himself above her, and he believed it so strongly that even other children and adults believed it, and he showed his intellect by being condescensing which was only way some people recognized it and he forgot her while she....

He needs to pay Gerda back everything she did for him tenfold.

* * *

 

It wasn’t _her_ work, he knows that. Gerda may not believe it, but he knows  the Snow Queen  did nothing to him to turn him against Gerda. Magic of those shards cursed him, but it wasn’t solely responsible. It took parts, components that were already within him and made him into idiot he became. But wherever that magic came from it wasn’t from Snow Queen.

It was spring when shards struck him. And there is cold even in spring, but she doesn’t do major workings in that period. Winter is her time, her domain, her child, when Earth is far enough from Sun (never truly enough, it is so small, nothing is enough, not planet or galaxy or dimension or reality or multiverse, nothing can contain Her, this power eider then world) that light and heat are slow to come and hard to find that her reach is longest (on Earth anyway). She wouldn’t have bothered infringing on land in spring because there are Rules and she must follow them.

But even were it winter it couldn’t have been her work. Magic of those shards was familiar as if he grew up with them, every wicked deed he ever witnessed,  solid, heavy thing, like a stone upon heart, sweetly disgusting smell of rotting food, decadent laughter of madman, feel of thick, greasy oil covering him, bathing his skin in pitch and filling his lungs with smoke. Her magic was always simple, essential cold-cold till the bone, all cold of all world and none, cold at it’s purest form, something that couldn’t be touched but still felt, and ancient and alien.

And it wasn’t within her domain, her nature, her right. Power of those shards was to corrupt, to twist and lie and muddle mind, wisewomen who helped Gerda told them. Her power was to freeze and take away and bend time and space. Great power, but she had no dominion over matters of heart and morality she didn’t, couldn’t understand.

If anybody was to blame it was him- magic couldn’t corrupt him if seed already wasn’t there, if soil  wasn’t proper, fertile and watered.

(Why does then her power dwell so easily within him, then?)

* * *

 

Princess-queen Astrid now- loves her friend, truly, but Gerda can be so  thickheaded and stubborn and it is just as endearing as it is annoying.

Really, Gerda and her entire family, nay half of her town could move in palace without problem-gods know that two thirds of those rooms aren’t used at all, and having useless things laying around is stupid especially if those are rooms which you can’t throw out. Their palace was built to survive wars and sieges, it can hold four people more. And it’s not as if they would be problem to staff- Astrid  had always believed that if somebody dared imply thousand people moving in would put minor strain on work quality they would be dismembered by army of offended maids and cooks.

And money wouldn’t even be a problem! Gerda wouldn’t have to bother with a small flower shop (which means struggling to get food  in winter),  her grandmothers wouldn’t have to  spent their retirement knitting  and sewing things to exchange with neighbors for bare neccesities (those arthritic fingers shouldn’t work so much), Kai wouldn’t have to hop between hundred jobs while trying to become professor of math at university ( nobody will accept him, even if he was king himself, even if his knowledge is so wide and great that it hurts her head just from looking at equations he writes,  nobody will hire professor with  voice like icicles stabbing earbuds, whose every movement makes their eyes want to bleed, whose presence is like frostbite across skin).

And wouldn’t it be better  for everybody to have their own suite then to to try to fit in one or two apartments? To  live free and unrestrained instead of constantly worrying? Gerda shouldn’t be turning down such opportunities out of humility ( which is stupid concept  old pastors made up to control poor masses anyway), shouldn’t  refuse to make her life easier out of fear she will seem like bad friend, because Astrid is giving it all freely.

Gerda smiles, shakes her head, golden  curls bouncing up and down as she pats her friend’s hand and eats few more chestnuts.

‘’Thank you a lot, Astrid, but it isn’t necessary. Why, palace life, it’s a great honor, but it isn’t for us.’’ It is too much and too little for Gerda. Too big and detailed and opulent to be tasteful for her liking, and not enough  work or community for her liking.

Grandmas would never accept- they have lived in their town their entire life, let roots deeper then those of ancient oaks grow, and anyway even if they came over they would refuse to be kept out of kitchens and those are too far away, with too many stairs for their years.

Kai would follow if she  asked, but it is easier to live in apartment everybody agrees to be small then in what others call grand palace and you see nothing but mice’s hole.

And anyway, no matter how many years have passed, those two small flats are still their homes, and they won’t leave them.

‘’Exactly! I never get why humans insist on all that pomp and everything. Simple enst is all you need.’’ Mrs. Raven says, and both are careful not to point out that few years ago she was a tame crow (foolish human thought-crows can never be tamed, even if they sit on silken pillows and drink tea).

Astrid is kind, smart and well-meaning, but she doesn’t understand much about different lives, and she sighs as she raises her hands to sky while Gerda chuckles.

‘’Now, now, don’t be like that.’’ She is starting to sound like her grandmother.

‘’I just want to help you. Is there anything I can do for my best friend.’’ Astrid’s heart beats like rabbit’s as she sees thoughtful frown come over Gerda’s lips.

‘’ Well, there is something... but I don’t know if it is too much, or even possible...’’ Children are learning to write from families and friends but there are great gaps in that knowledge, she realized over years. And how many of them could become doctors and artists and so many wonderful things if given chance- all kinds of work are important, but it leaves bitter taste in her mouth when she sees bright girls and boys forced to become shopkeepers and  coach drivers because they weren’t able to apply for anything else.

‘’If it isn’t possible, I will accomplish it anyway. Go on.’’ Finalyy. What is use being queen if you can’t do something grand for your best friend.

‘’Have you ever considered making schooling mandatory for all children?’’ One looks in Astrid’s eyes tells her it is already finished in queen’s mind.

* * *

 

‘’Astrid, slow down, where are you leading me, Astrid are you listening?!’’ Gerda screamed as Astrid dragged her through multiple corridors Gerda couldn’t keep track of. Astrid spent last several days alternating from  manically planning system of schooling and  insisting  on longer visits.

‘’Astrid I really-oh my God.’’ Breath leaves her as Astrid pushes doors open, leading her into glasshouse as big as...as... as her and Kai’s apartments together at least.  Sun is breaking through transparent walls, breaking in array of colors, her nose awash in smell of thousand different flowers, her ears filled with symphony of garden, of rustling of trees, moaning of bushes, screaming of violets, giggling of roses, whispering of hyacinths, humming of narcissuses, roars of lilies, hundreds of plants strewn in front of her like forest, grass below her thrumming with joy as if it is about to dance.

‘’So how do you like it? You said our gardens are poor and I thought you would like a big one, with all flowers you said were you favorites. I don’t really get what is  so great about _trees_ but I hope you..’’ Gerda runs and coils her arm around queen, rising Astrid off the ground.

‘’like...Ge-Gerda...Gerda  you are crushing me.’’

* * *

 

‘’You aren’t really good at this, are you?’’ The man (not king, never king, just as his wife isn’t queen, it hurts even to think sop, what king can die from time and knife, what king cannot  build palace in single day and bring army from void, what king cannot shatter mountains and rearrange constellations) asks, laugh on his lips while he raises dozen rabbits and birds he caught in last fifteen minutes.

‘’You know how it is with us mathematicians. Locked up in room all day,  no muscles and no  proper sight.’’ It dances on border of lie, and Kai feels buzz in his ears and pounding in his skull, but it isn’t truly false-he said nothing about himself specifically, just hinted at stereotype that could mayeb apply to him.

( _It is no proper hunt, with horses and knives and bows and arrows. No proper hunt, chasing after animals with weapons and tools. True hunts, wild hunts ride across sky and sea with nothing but their own power, chasing their equals until they consume each other._

_And to hunt animals with  things like that... that is almost cheating. Kai remembers being deer  and butterfly and eagle and wolf and snake and tree  and wind and boulder and dragon and river, remembers tearing across mountains and plains chasing his prey, blood warm but not hot enough to lessen cold living in his bones flowing between his fangs, his maws as he ate hearts and stood across carcasses he made, Queen next to him, sharing shape, teaching her pup or chick or seed or raindrop how to kill and feed_ ).

‘’Hahahaha! You are right. I think this suits you then, right? You need some activity or you’’ll forget how  to walk.’’ The man puts his hand on Kai’s shoulder and quickly, though he is trying to be subtle, pulls it off- deep, deep down his bones cry out feeling something wrong and else flowing through Kai’s body like wind or tide even though his clothing is thick as palm.

‘’ If there were not Gerda to pull me outside home, I would most likely forget to coem out to eat at all.’’ Truth, he forgets to do it even now, just as he forgets to sleep or breathe or let his heart beat sometimes. But were it not for Gerda and grandmas he would leave tiny, tight flat and run and run and run up to Sun and he wouldn’t burn, he would shred this form and become one with air and stone and chill and snow and _her_.

‘’Kai...’’ His companion starts after silence long exactly three minutes, twenty seven seconds and thirty three microseconds, voice slow and hesitant, eyes swirling and brow almost sweating ( he thankfully doesn’t notice how still Kai’s horse is, how it is trying to rein in it’s instincts to run and scream and jump to death sooner then allowing this _thing_ to get close).

‘’As you know, I was raised in an orphanage. It was nice place, I made lot of friends who were like kin to me, and caretakers were some of best people I had pleasure of knowing. I don’t want to complain. I was happy. But it may sound like something from some bad novel written just to make people cry, and maybe I’m just imagining it, but I always felt I missed something, you know? ‘’ He asks, eyes looking far away, lost in memories.

‘’I get it.’’ ’’ He does and he doesn’t. He never felt he lost something by not having parents. Logically, rationally, with cold, stoic mind he wondered about them sometimes, but he never felt pain at thought of them. But feeling of loss, he knew that- he always searched learned, listened because he needed to fill up something  inside of him (and since he came back, he hungered, starved from this small, mortal, almost magicless world). But his companion never asked what exactly Kai was missing.

‘’Well, I was digging through a little last few years, asking things, trying to find my parents. I learned that I was brought to orphanage by young woman, and that after she left me she departed for part of country your home is located. She...she had another baby with her, and I thought since we look so similar, and are same age... maybe we could be...would you be interested in finding out?’’ He asks, so hopeful and scared. Kai closes his eyes.

He listens to chirping of birds, autumn leaves crunched under hooves, breathing of horses, few leaves that haven’t still fallen to ground fluttering in wind like butterflies, barely holding on, to bugs creeping over skin of trunks and small animals running through bushes, and thinks of his grandmother, small and lean, laughing, coughing, feeding him soup and telling him jokes as he is ill, singing him lullabies when he had nightmares, listening to him ramble about books he wanted to read.

He runs his tongue over his sharp sharp teeth, tastes cold, clear saliva, the sweets stuck between pale teeth, the echo of apples and cinnamons from pie he ate before going to hut, the crisp, clean air of autumn, and thinks of Gerda’s grandmother, of stories she told them, of cakes she baked when she had time and ingredients, of sweaters she knit.

He smells rich, harsh blood falling from necks of birds, the smoke carried from kitchen by wind, flowers in glasshouse, few remaining, rotting  fruits, and thinks of Gerda, Gerda with her beautiful, shining smile, Gerda who leads her shop with natural ease and makes whole town happy, Gerda who never lost faith in him after everything and traveled so far for his sake, Gerda who prayed to God and he answered with army of angels, Gerda who could have left him to become witch or noble or robber but didn’t, Gerda who deserves so much, Gerda who is best that ever happened to him.

And he knows he needs no more love then what they have given him though they are no kin by blood and bone.

And he feels chill of upcoming winter in air and earth, cold that covers all of their skins, power predating time buried deep within him, feels _her_ concerned voice in whisper of wind, her two kisses in blood flowing through his veins, her soft touches in winter dwelling in his bones, sees  mountains and seas growing from her back, her face like polar night, her hair like northern lights, remembers way she was so gentle and caring with him though she could have crushed him with a though (and it took her effort, he knows, to remember he was mortal and weak and fragile, more effort to keep him in one piece then it would take  to break him) and knows she is here now, living and flowing through his being.

Knows he is more her son then blood could ever make them.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ He says, soft, not meeting his companion’s eyes (brown and warm, always, as his used to be, not blue of frozen lake or white of bleached bones or red as guts on snow or black as moonless night or pale pastel of aurora).

‘’I understand, but I don’t wish to. I... I don’t want to. They left me and that is it for me. I have Gerda and grandmothers and that is enough for me. i don’t want to think about what could have been.’’ The man next to him nods with smile and  sparkle of tears in eyes.

‘’I get it. Sorry for bothering you.’’ He says with wide, wide smile.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ He doesn’t know what else to say, but it is true.

‘’Don’t apologize. I should be one doing that. I just hope this isn’t going to make things awkward.’’ Tears  don’t spill from corners of his eyes, which is good for he is to be consort or ruler (human rulers need to keep their pain locked away from public. True rulers cannot be bothered by feelings in their purpose, and if they showed it nobody would dare comment on it, much less use it against them).

‘’It won’t.’’ He says, and his  tongue doesn’t rot.

They ride back in silence. Kai pretends not to notice tears in corners of other’s eyes, and he pretends not to notice frost caressing Kai’s dark skin.

* * *

 

Astrid stumbles on chair, her head almost falling down and hitting table as she sighs. Gerda puts down her watering can and moves over tos it next to her friend, summer sun making Astrid’s hair glow like fire.

‘’Problem?’’ She asks, though it’s obvious.

‘’Yes.’’ Astrid says, gobbling up fruits next to her.

‘’Anything I can help with?’’ Gerda asks, though she doubts- but you never know.

‘’Can you find me every magic user in kingdom and convince them to have talk about them?’’ Her friend speaks, propping up her head with her hands, elbows on table.

‘’Why?’’ Gerda thankfully doesn’t shout- she isn’t afraid of her gift anymore, nor off shadows dancing in night over castle, nor of frost that follows Kai, but old tales of witches and ruined crops and deals with devil still follow her.

‘’We need to deal with them! Half of them pay lip service to crown, living locked in their  towers, not coming out for years then playing court magicians, while other half is hiding like hermits until they come out of woodwork to curse and meddle in other people’s lives! And my subjects are always talking about witch hunts and sins but when trouble comes start running off to witches and wizards! And there children who can do magics but can’t control them, children who can do strange but wonderful things and may hurt themselves or others or may be hurt by others, children...’’ Like her, she who made shadows of her dreams ride whenever she slept.

‘’I wanted to meet some, to talk, establish new laws, maybe even school. But I know nothing about it! Nothing but fairytales!’’ And Gerda could see how it irked her, how she she hated being left in darkness.

‘’And none of magicians may family has nominal contact with answered me!’’ Gerda thought over that. It was possible that those wizards and witches were unwilling to help, believing their positions would be threatened if knowledge of magic was common and not all sorcerers were privileged and safe as them.

Or they could have learnt what happens to  their kind when royals start calling hard way.

‘’You know what Astrid?’’ Gerda said, trying not to make her voice shiver, to forget images of naked crones and dancing evils she saw in macabre portraits and imagined  in her mind so many times, of year stolen and memories changed.

‘’I think I can help you with that.’’ Well, she was already planning on visiting that garden  anyway.

 

* * *

 

‘’What are we doing rowing a boat trying to find house when you don’t even remember where it was?’’

‘’I already told you, searching for that spring witch.’’

‘’Are you sure we will find her at all?’’

‘’We asked river!’’

‘’Same river who brought you to spring witch when you asked it to find me.’’

‘’It got confused!’’

‘’Then it owes you your shoes back! You can’t take payment if you don’t fulfill your end of bargain! Why did you even give them away?’’

‘’I don’t know. They seemed like only valuable stuff I had at time. Now that I think, what would river do with them at all?’’

‘’Humph. When we are finished with this we are getting them back. And mine too if this doesn’t work out.’’

‘’Kai it’s been more than decade, those shoes must have fallen to pieces.’’

‘’Well then it is still going to give them back!’’

‘’Are you really going to argue with a river over shoes?’’

‘’It’s not about shoes it’s about principles! It can’t flow around and cheat people out of their rightful bargains! And it asked for shoes, not even a firstborn...’’

‘’Good thing I don’t intend on having children ever.’’

‘’Don’t count on it, it’s magic, you will get pregnant from sipping tea or something like that of you make such bargain.’’

‘’And if I aborted or miscarried?’’

‘’Now that merits some investigation. We must research how far we can stretch definition of firstborn...’’

* * *

 

Garden is as beautiful as ever. Countless flowers eternally blooming, never wilting, their smell delicious but not too strong, tapestry of thousand colors and thousand stories whispered on wind. It is same as all those years ago.

After moment of hesitation Gerda knocks on wooden doors. Knocker is old, heavy iron circle, so big Gerda’s fingers almost can’t wrap around it. Sound is soft and dull, and it takes time before Gerda hears shuffling of skirts and slow steps.

Door opens,  and woman comes out, bent and wrinkled, her dress all purple and red and yellow that pricks eyes with it’s vibrancy, her straw hat filled with fat blossoms, petals trailing after her. Her thin lips raise in weak smile that freezes when she sees Gerda, who is honestly surprised old woman alive.

‘’I’m Gerda. Do you remember me?’’ She asks, voice almost trembling, because this woman enchanted her for almost a year but was also so kind and it doesn’t absolve anything but she looks so weak and pathetic and sad but she is a witch but she has nothing but her flowers and Kai stands behind her in silent support and to take care of witch if something happens (flowers next to him are covered with glossy white sheen and shatter like glass,  verdant grass turns in black dust as his blood dances and giggles and enchantment shatter under avalanche of freezing magic he exudes).

‘’Yes. Yes I do.’’ Woman whispers, voice breaking and hands shaking.

‘’Do you remember what you did to me? How you played with my life and mind? How you trapped me?’’ Woman’s face is pale, her hair falling out as she nods.

‘’I-I, yes. I charmed you, kept you-like a toy, a pet.’’ She admits, unable to meet Gerda’s eyes

‘’I think you owe something for that.’’ Gerda says, fighting to keep her face harsh and strong, because woman may have been nice and lonely but she still trapped Gerda, would have kept her there forever, trapped in lie and dream.

‘’Yes.’’ Old woman says, kneeling before Gerda, stretching her neck out as Gerda’s eyes grow wide.

‘’Please... I know I have no right, but please make it quick.’’ Her voice os soft like crushed petals, tears rolling down her cheeks like morning dew.

‘’What? No! Why would I kill you?’’ Gerda screams, catching woman by fragile, stiff shoulders with her big, strong hands.

‘’I...’’ Woman’s eyes are rolling, confused, her face pale and her whole body shivering, her breathing slow as if it will almost forget to do it. ‘’I charmed you.’’ She says, remembering parents who cast her out in woods once they saw how she could make flowers bloom in autumn,  friends that hit her with stick and stones once they saw words she could coax out of petals, town and employers and random street passerbies chasing her , a witch, conjurer, though she never cursed somebody, and now that she did she knew that death was only thing awaiting her.

‘’You did, and I’m still angry about it, but I would never execute you. Death never solves anything.’’ Kai smiles next to her even as cold in him is puzzled, saying you do not have to worry about problem if problem is dead.

‘’But how then...’’ She was lonely, so lonely for thirty years, and more then likely not all right in head, but it doesn’t justify anything, she must repay this girl who she violated in such way.

‘’You are going to pay for that by helping me, and others too. You will teach me to understand magic.’’ The entire garden goes silent on that.

* * *

 

The lessons start, talks and books and letters sent to queen.

‘’Magic is natural, part of world as anything else, like sea or sky. We all have little of it in ourselves, like breath or blood, and so everything can use magic. But some are born with talent, like singers or dancers, so it goes easier for them.’’

‘’Magic isn’t good or evil. It isn’t anything. It is part of world and it all depends on how you use it. You can use it for anything, for good or evil or nothing, for fun or work or art. It is tool like any other, thought often more dangerous.’’

‘’No magic user is same. There are some rough definitions, but everybody works with magic in their own way.  magic answers and is fueled by your emotions. We are born with some things we can’t change at will, just as you can’t change shape of your face or sound of your voice by will, but how we apply them depends on you. Some people use magic from inside of them, others  draw it from outside. I heard there are different ways to command it but I don’t know much about it. I could ask few  acquintances I know for help.’’

‘’Could you spread word about our plans? It would be most helpful?.’’

‘’Of course. It would be honor. In fact I have one mirror I can use to communicate with  people.’’

‘’How does it work?’’

‘’I don’t know how spells that made it operate, but I simply state person who I want to talk with and it shows them to me, and my face in nearest reflective surface.’’

‘’How long is it’s reach.’’

‘’High quality. Entire country. Why are you asking?’’

‘’I met two wise women on my travels who I think could help us. And they helped me much, and I would like to reestablish contact with them.’’

‘’Very well. They surely have some important knowledge. You two are making such great plans already, you and queen.’’

‘’How do you use magic?’’

‘’ With words, amulets, signs. It all depends on your practice. You can’t just wish something to happen though. You must first have proper concentration and harness strength of your emotions. Then you must feel magic, take it and shape it in correct design, then release it with incanations, movements and focuses like wands and potions and similar. Even gifts take that.’’

‘’Gifts?’’

‘’They are like.. talents, or predispositions for magic. No, that’s not good...Better like, unconscious spells you can accidentally cast. Like me being able to make plants grow and sustain them through year, or you talking with birds and plants, or queen’s dreams. All people develop one after they start practicing magic seriously, but some are born with them. Usually it’s just two, but some people have just one or up to three.’’

‘’And that’s how all magic works? You can’t just wave your fingers and change things?’’

‘’Well no. It’s process, something to be studied and learned. Maybe you could accomplish something like that after decades of intense study, but not easily and not at first. magic is like sea, I told you. Humans can swim but it doesn’t come naturally to us, and we can’t breathe underwater. You have to train it, and if you aren’t careful or  lucky you can drown.’’

‘’And are there like...magic fishes? To extend metaphor?’’

‘’Hmmm. There are some, yes. Dragons and unicorns and talking animals. They too have to learn magic like humans, but it comes easier to them, and they’ve got some additional abilities. That’s why my flowers can talk, or why dragons can breathe fire. They have got more magic then us and better endurance, but if they go out of their places or waves take them they will too be crushed.’’

‘’Is... is the Snow Queen like that? Like a dragon?’’ The wind that flows through is bit colder and colors are paler.

‘’Ah...no, not at all. She is kind of magic you thought of, kind you find in legends- she wishes something to happen and it does.’’

‘’But how? You said magic takes practice and rituals and rules.’’

‘’For mortals yes.’’’

‘’She isn’t mortal? then what is she?’’

‘’If magic is sea, and we witches are divers, and magical creatures are fishes, she is then water. She is magic, ancient and cold, and nothing else. She cannot be challenged  or fought anymore then winter or storm can be.’’

‘’And yet you won, you brave woman. You defeated season Gerda. How’s that for bragging rights?’’

* * *

 

It is hot and they are on market when Gerda and Kai hear it, screaming and shattering coming from other side, and as town’s self-proclaimed peacekeeper Gerda has to investigate, running across street with her groceries.

She stops in tracks when she arrives.

there she is, her robber girl-not a girl anymore, though she is still little, thin but muscled thing, her hair and skin and eyes dark and warm as her patched up leather trousers, pistols at ehr belt. She is predictably arguing with an older pale man, spewing angry curses  that make Gerda go red just from hearing them ( but not as red as those of widow who visits her flower shop every Friday).

Stunned she walks up to two of them. Man is first to notice her.

‘’Ah miss Gerda sorry for trouble!’’ he apologizes as if it is her marketplace.

‘’Gerda??’’ Her friend (or maybe something more) asks, eyes big and staring, in uncertain voice, looking as puzzled and uncomfortable as Gerda _(shit shit shit this wasn’t how she imagined their reunion oh fuck of all things just great_ ) who snaps out of it and draws her in big hug to surprise of man next to her, then kisses both of  her cheeks.

‘’My dear how I missed you!’’ She says with overly sweet voice. ‘’What are you doing here? Why didn’t you send a letter?’’ Not like she knew address but still her friend catches on it.

‘’Well I would have but I wanted to surprise you, which would have worked  if some  god forsaken idiots didn’t keep me from trying to find your house.’’ It may be truth for all Gerda knows, and she pray her blush isn’t obvious.

‘’You little-!’’ Man raises his voice but shuts up when Gerda glares at him.

‘’May I know what this is about?’’

‘’He accused me of stealing!’’ Which she stopped doing years ago and anyway she wouldn’t be stealing from such people. She is from line of proffesional robbers, ones that rob kings and banks not poor merchants from small towns.

‘’My  food went missing just when she showed up!’’

‘’And where would I put it you stupid-‘’

‘’See how she insults me? She wouldn’t be so angry if she had done nothing!’’

‘’You are accusing me without reason of course I’m pissed-‘’

‘’You lying sack of-’’’

‘’You disgusting pig-‘’

‘’Ahem. Sorry to interrupt you, but mister did you notice your horse eating your fruits?’’

‘’What? I-oh.’’

‘’Aha! See!’’

‘’I-I thought-‘’

‘’You owe my friend apology mister.’’

‘’Let him keep it. Empty words mean nothing. Just think twice about accusing somebody next time.’’ She laughs as man quickly leaves, and two of them are left staring at each other-or better said trying not to.

‘’so how are you..’’

‘’What are you doing...’’

‘’Travelling little you know..’’

‘’On market with ..Kai!’’ she calls out for help. he grins, his teeth blinding on light of sun and runs with groceries in his hands.

‘’Hi Gerda! got to carry this back to grandmothers, please show your friend around! Don’t worry about coming late.’’

Gerda considered killing her best friend at that point.

Former robber next to her however found that her opinion of Kai had dramatically increased.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed, please review!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Hope you loved it, please review!


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